why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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