You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
