No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
