I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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