Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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