Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
