We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize