I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
