I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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