1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
