i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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