Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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