soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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