The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She even gives head with a lisp.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
