Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
