I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
