she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
