it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The struggles of a small town man whore
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
