I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
