Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
