So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
