I'm sorry my penis didn't work
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
