She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
