its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
