Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
