also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
