My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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