alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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