I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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