I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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