Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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