We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
