FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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