my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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