Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
