I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We left the knife in your bed.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
