this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
