He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
