I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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