Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wish you could order shots online.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize