if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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