When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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