So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
