i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
