I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
