My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize