this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
