That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
