I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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