Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize