I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
