hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
