I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize