Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
