A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
