It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
