Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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