I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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