I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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