Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She bit a glass in half.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
