the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
