did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
