tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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