I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
